Sanctified Identity

Perhaps one of the deepest questions of life that anyone will ask is, “Who am I?”

Growing up it was a question I constantly battled with. Perhaps you never asked yourself that question in the same format… it is a question of identity and takes on many forms.

“Am I really special?”

“Am I unique?”

“Am I strong?”

“Am I clever?”

“Am I cool?”

“Are my clothes cool?”

“Is the music I listen to right?”

“Do people like me?”

“Am I good looking?” or if you’re a girl “Am I beautiful?”

“Will someone love me?”

These (and similar questions) are really a cry to know that we are not worthless. We quickly learn (from the age 6 or before) that having the right Spiderman pajama’s or action figures make us cool. We learn that if we didn’t also watch yesterdays episode of “Dexter’s lab” or “power puff girls” we have somehow missed out on what’s really important. Trivial examples… but we carry these “life-skills” with us into our adult years. We trade in our Spiderman pajama’s for the important job title, BMW, girlfriend and other such external things.

Unfortunately as we all know these things just never seem to be enough. While they may all be nice things they never sort out what is happening inside. Inside there is that “secret” vacuum that constantly compares our self with someone else. To this there never seemed to be a solution.

I was pleasantly surprised the other night when I realized I no longer have this problem. What made the change. 5 years ago I use to right poetry about how much life sucked… about the pain I felt inside… about how harsh life was. So what is it that changed? Did I when a million bucks? No. Did I move to a “better” country, province or city? No. Did I find the right girl? No.

A peculiar thing happened. I gave my life and everything in me to God. How did this solve the problem though? I’m not to sure. I have a theory though. As I have taken my eyes off myself and onto God… as I have begun living more for God than myself, the most beautiful thing has happened. As I have collided with the one who created me I have stopped seeing “What I am not” and “What I can’t do” but instead have started seeing God’s workmanship in my life.

I realized this the other night as I was asked to write a description of myself. So who am I? We were given a couple of minutes to jot down some stuff.

Here’s what I wrote:

I guess I am someone who underestimates myself a lot… I like it that way though because every time I start to become stressed or panic I look with big bulging desperate eyes to God. You see I am God’s child and God is big. I love His ability and I try never underestimate God. In my frequent times of inadequacy I become his little boy and He my hero. I love movies, a little too much in fact. I love watching a story unfold, I love watching characters grow. My life in God has become one of these movies. A story of how one man saved my life, a story of a man that saw in me what no-one else saw… the potential to be like Him. A story of how I gave up all my plans and desires and set them aside for one thing: To make my life an offering of thanks and brag about this God that loves me so jealously. I love my Dog. I am her hero, her knight in shining armour, I hope to one day be the man my dog thinks I am. I love little kids, I love how they forget the troubles of the world and jump into worlds of love, adventure, mystery and epic battle with rescue mission against insane odds. I love manhood. I love what happens to a man when he collides with God. I love how God can take the most wretched soul and breathe life into it. I love how the most flaccid, spineless wimp of a man is made strong in Gods presence. I love it when a girl by the same power decides to be a girl chased by men instead of desperate for them. I love a girl that has compassion for people and the conviction to do something about it. I love the heart that God has given me. I love that I can look into somebody’s life and feel God’s love and compassion for them overwhelm me. I love praying at 3 in the morning when God suddenly wakes me up. I love the supernatural, I love how God’s spirit in me allows me to know, see and do the impossible. I love music. I love pouring my heart into a song. I love singing with a strained voice and feeling it in my soul. I love programming. I love abstracting reality into pieces of code that make life easier. I love problem solving. I love the colour blue. I love food. I enjoy having a meal with friends. I love being with someone with someone who is happy to just let me listen… or sometimes just talk. To me it’s not about the words as much as it is about the presence of that person. I am always hopeful. I love hope. I love how I am different from other people. I love that there is only one me. I love that there are so many things that I can’t do and I celebrate that others are able to do them.